While Amber is out getting her hair cut, nails done, things waxed, exercising, and eating right, I've got my own regimen this week: not shaving. You see, I'm a shavetimer (word credit to Matthew Baldwin) and it's been something I've had to deal with all my adult life. Well, age 22 on, before that the hair grew so slowly and weakly that if I didn't shave I think the hair would get tired of hanging around and just fall out.

You see, it's so thin and spotty if there were a council on beards I would fail in the coverage test. Sent home before the sponginess and food adherence tests. I can see those jerky beard judges now, laughing underneath those curly Grecian beards.

Because of this, if I have an important meeting or just want to look normal on Monday mornings, I have to time my shaves so the hair is long enough to actually shave on the morning of my important thing. When it's still too short I'm just scrapping at my face with a really sharp blade. Only when it's of some length can I get a good, close shave.

The problem with this is I'm usually walking around with a weird pre-beard. If I come to meet you for something and my face has more than a little stubble on it, be assured I have something much more important than you coming up. I don't waste a shave for just anybody.

To have a good shave on our wedding day (Saturday) I went for broke and shaved this past Monday. This is a very lengthy amount of time but I wanted to have a really good shave. Three days is usually enough, so as you can probably guess my face is starting to look like I actually want a beard. Which is precisely what's so depressing about this stupid thing: I can't have a beard. I'll never be able to have a beard, yet everyone I come in contact with probably thinks I'm starting one up.

Other than the beard thing, I kind of fattened myself up this winter. I was 155 before Thanksgiving, and now I am...not 155. I've been trying this diet out called eat-all-you-want-to-deal-with-the-stress-of-paying-someone-a-thousand-dollars-to-make-a-music-playlist-and-then-hit-play. Don't even get me started on the paradox of eating to deal with the stress of paying someone to cook 50 meals. Yeah, I'm fat.

I just weighed myself on a digital scale. I say "digital" because before when it was all springs and counter-weights you could laugh it off with, "Oh things weigh more near the equator at sea level when it's cold!" or "it says 'not for legal trade', it's just an approximation!" or "they could have put the decal on crooked!" But being an engineer, when digital tells you your fat ass weighs 164, you know there's some memory chip charged to hold exactly "10100100".

Now I'm wondering how much this beard weighs.


comments

Mihir

Do you use a brush? I don't, I ought to. I hear it helps raise the bristles so you can get a close shave and not need to let it grow out. I hate the feeling of scraping my face when I shave everyday. So I prefer to shave on alternate days.


Andre Torrez

Yeah, I use a brush. Which just reminded me I forgot to bring my brush and shave cream. So I'll likely have to use some canned crap.


Mihir

VINTAGE TEA LEAF
969 E BROADWAY
LONG BEACH, CA 90802
562-435-5589

Babcock & Cooke
3409 E Broadway
Long Beach, CA 90803
562-438-6388

Both sell Caswell Massey products, so I am sure they sell something decent you can use, if you have time to make the trip.


Anil

Interestingly, I went right back to 155 after the wedding. It's magic!

Have you been growing out all your body hair so that you can shave all over? That would totally account for the difference.

You remember that 3-month period when "manscaping" was catching on as a buzzword? Good times.


Omar

I'm a shavetimer as well. Before I knew better, I routinely attempted to shave every day which essentially meant painfully scraping my face raw with a disposable razor. To make matters worse, most shaving creams/gels irritate my skin, so I can only shave just after a hot shower. Oh, the pain.


Omar

Can we get a union going or something? SF Shavetimers Local 826?


Jon

I pretty much only shave on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If I have something big on Saturday, I won't shave Friday. I have OK coverage, but it just doesn't grow that fast.

I was my fattest when I got married. It had nothing do with wedding stress, though. My only jobs for the wedding were: buy a suit, pick the song for the first dance and show up.


Jeff

Lately I shave when it just itches too much, which seems to be ~4-5 days, but that's because I'm working at home now. When I worked in an office I'd shave every other day because it'd irritate my neck. I also on shave in the shower. Any other time I just tear my face up.

My wedding weight was high, too, but not because of any stress. I was just on my way to being a fat ass. Took a move to Europe to start reversing the trend.

Best Wishes for the big day. I couldn't be happier for such a great couple.


Justin

Every other day for me, or my face gets raw. Which is fairly easy to time so I never have to shave two days in a row for an important event.

But I never knew there was a word for our condition. Or a thriving community, judging by the comments. Dare I mention that shavetimer dot com is available?


Kevin Newman

I can't shave two days in a row, or I get crazy red bumps. I even shave in the shower, just to try to make it less traumatic. My neck has a crazy swirl pattern where there is no way to go with the grain. I'm looking for a job now, and I hate to admit that in the back of my head, "will I have to shave every day?" is one of the criteria I'm using.

My last job was in a kitchen, where it totally didn't matter if I shaved or not. I let it go two weeks - by far the longest I'd gone without shaving. After about 10 days, people asked if I had forgotten to shave that morning. When I shaved that mess off, it was the best shave I've ever had. It was so smooth and painless. I felt 15 again.


Pete

Can I get a card for the Shavetimer's Union? I usually have to time shavings at least three or four days in advance. Last minute dates are hell. I've gotten to the point where it's about once ever four days or so and I never look forward to it.


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